you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
