i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
