I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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