Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
