Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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