Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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