apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
