who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
