haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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