I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
