True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
