if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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