I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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