The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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