I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In other news, I just burned my penis
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
