Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
