What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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