I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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