Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
