how can u be prego again
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize