He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
