Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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