you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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