drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize