my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
