I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
