My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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