Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
