just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
