I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
