My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
