My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
