this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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