It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize