Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
