I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
