and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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