I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just high enough for therapy.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize