Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
