so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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