I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
