Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize