So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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