Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I will die if light touches me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
