worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
