I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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