My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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