I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize