who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize