I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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