I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
