Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
