i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
How external is "for external use only"?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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