At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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