If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
