did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
