If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
