I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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