if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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