I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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