Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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