She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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