naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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