I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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