were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
