i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
