I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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