dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
