I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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