I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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